The Worst Film Reviews Ever

Earlier today I saw an episode of Hollywood Shootout where hosts Peter Bart and Peter Guber had two film critics as guests, Variety’s Todd McCarthy and Newsweek’s David Ansen. They discussed what role critics play today, what has changed since the 1960s and ’70s, and came to the conclusion that more people are writing about movies today even though they don’t really know much about it. That’s true, but the best part of this episode was a list of various quotes from some of the worst reviews ever written. AlternativeReel.com has put together a list of quotes and here’s a few amusing examples:

“It has dwarfs, music, Technicolor, freak characters and Judy Garland. It can’t be expected to have a sense of humor as well—and as for the light touch of fantasy, it weighs like a pound of fruitcake soaking wet.” – Otis Ferguson, The New Republic, on The Wizard of Oz in 1939.

“The old master has turned out another Hitchcock-and-bull story in which the mystery is not so much who done it as who cares.” – Time on Vertigo in 1958.

“A cheap piece of bald-faced slapstick comedy that treats the hideous depredations of that sleazy, moronic pair as though they were as full of fun and frolic as the jazz-age cut ups in Thoroughly Modern Millie. This blending of farce with brutal killings is as pointless as it is lacking in taste…” – Bosley Crowther, The New York Times, on Bonnie and Clyde in 1967.

“The slab is never explained, leaving 2001, for all of its lively visual and mechanical spectacle, a kind of space-Spartacus and, more pretentious still, a shaggy God story.” – John Simon, The New Leader, on 2001: A Space Odyssey in 1968.

“It’s a Frankenstein monster stitched together from leftover parts. It talks. It moves in fits and starts but it has no mind of its own… Looking very expensive but spiritually desperate, Part II has the air of a very long, very elaborate revue sketch.” – Vincent Canby on The Godfather, Part II in 1974.

“The most deeply touching love story of our time. This is one movie you’ll never forget.” – Jim Whaley, PBS Cinema Showcase, on Dying Young in 1991.