Ten Beautiful Malcolm Tucker Quotes

In two blog entries I wrote a few years ago, I listed some of the most outrageous things two very outspoken TV characters (Denny Crane and Gene Hunt) had said over the years. Now that I’ve seen In the Loop I realize that Malcolm Tucker (Peter Capaldi) deserves to get his own list as well. The quotes are picked from both the movie and the TV series The Thick of It (where the YouTube clip is borrowed from as well).

“Sam? Can you get me Terri Coverley and Glenn Cullen? Make them an appointment to come over? I think I got to shout at somebody, you know? Oh, actually, get me John at Culture on the phone, I think I’ll have a bit of a shout now.”

“It’s everywhere, spreading faster than a rent-boy’s cheeks.” (Discussing a story picked up by the media)

“Yes you have, it’s out of proportions, everybody mentions that! Now, you see, you’re shaking it and I can hardly see it move! Are you shaking it now? I can’t tell!” (Insulting a politician for his small head size)

“Tomorrow – from broadsheets to wank rags – I want pages one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know – Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in a NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of British politics with me at the center, looking fucking indispensable and fucking benign, and I want page six to be fucking Israel or some bullshit, not a fucking DoSAC deepshit legacy-distracting cockup!” (Trying to control a news story)

“Within your ‘purview’? Where do you think you are, some fucking regency costume drama? This is a government department, not some fucking Jane fucking Austen novel! Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up your shitter with a lubricated horse cock!”

“‘Climbing the mountain of conflict’? You sounded like a Nazi Julie Andrews!”

“Just fucking do it! Otherwise you’ll find yourself in some medieval war zone in the Caucasus with your arse in the air, trying to persuade a group of men in balaclavas that sustained sexual violence is not the fucking way forward!” (Trying to make the U.N. Ambassador obey him)

“Don’t get sarcastic with me, son. We burned this tight-arsed city to the ground in 1814. And I’m all for doing it again, starting with you, you frat fuck. You get sarcastic with me again and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your fucking throat it’ll come out your arse like the tail on a Playboy bunny.” (Insulting a young State Department aide)

“Yeah, apparently, your fucking master race of highly-gifted toddlers can’t quite get the job done between breast feeds and playing with their Power Rangers. So, an actual grown-up has been asked to fucking bail you out.” (Telling the U.S. Assistant Secretary of State that his aides are too young)